My Own Mom

Wow!!! Where do I even begin? It's been a "forever" kind of month and a half and I'm not quite even ready to begin to write? I know I want to, but life has changed so much - very difficult still for me and from what I've been told, it'll be different for a loooong time! My mother, Eleanor J. Mitchell, had a massive stroke on the morning of April 4, 2011. Within hours though my sisters were over to the home and found her. It was the very thing my mom feared the most!! To be in a situation where her mind would be clear and crisp and her body would fail! For the past many years, my mom would send out a "hello" email everyday so we would know she was "up and going" - this morning, there was no email. Jenice and Jaci called - no answer - the nightmare my mom feared had begun. For the next 23 days someone was with my mom constantly - we never left her alone and she knew we were there. It was comforting for her! At the beginning, she just wanted to "Go Home" - meaning Heaven! and then there were times she thought she could "fight" to get well. Oh she tried!!!! I remembering on the second or third day, she did her very best to hold a kleenex in her left hand - she said, "My mind tells me I can, but I can't." So very difficult to watch!!!!

I was able to drive down the second day - on Tuesday. I stayed three days each week and basically had the night shift - very hard to physcially, emotionally, mentally do, but we all did it! The way I was able to get through was to write what was on my heart - I'm going to try to post them sequentially and share in this blog. Here's my first night with my mom!

Oh how hard to leave on Thursday of that week. She was still in the hospital at that point and both my sister Judy and brother Greg were coming to Walla Walla. There were contant phone calls made between all of us! Mom was put on a cath in the hospital - therapy had begun but was very minimal - they just didn't have the facility to provide that along with the nursing staff. Mom was given a choice to be moved to a rehab facility. We chose a private room at the Odd Fellow Home for mom. She'd had a best friend there fairly recently and although she didn't like what she'd seen for her friend, she was willing to go. At that point, she wanted to fight to get better and we all thought it was possible! I wasn't there at that time, but Mom moved - it was traumatic - the cath basically removed and she still was not able to urinate! She was in pain, we all were in pain, no matter if we were physcially there or not ! It was very hard! Judy had flown in and Greg was coming on Saturday. Everyone one of us did what we could - for some it was easier than others. No one should judge what a person can do under these circumstances - to watch your own mother in a situation that leaves her vulnerable is NOT what any child wants to have happen!!

The aide that had mom's wing was Vanessa - an 18 year old senior in high school that worked basically fulltime at the Odd Fellows. Mom fell in love with her caring abilities and wanted Vanessa anytime she could have her. She was gentle, her movements were slow and steady, her spirit was filled with God's love for people! I returned on Monday morning and once again had the night shift. I had made the decision however that I would have to go and sleep this time afterwards - the week before I hadn't and I physically got sick myself. Mom needed us and we needed to take care of not only her, but us! Vanessa was there that Monday! While I was using my cell phone as it was one of the only ones that had a signal, mom asked me if it was a camera? She wanted to have a photo of Vanessa. I told mom I had a camera in my purse and brought it out - well, Vanessa was so smart, she popped up and said, "Only with you Eleanor - not by myself!" So here's the last photo of my mom on that Monday - she really tried to smile!!!

During that conversation and time I asked Vanessa if she'd had her senior photos taken yet - she told me she couldn't afford them:(. Well, I said, I know of someone who would LOVE to do them free for you - I'll never forget mom's response "She'll do a good job for you!" - Mom was so excited that I would do Vanessa's senior photos! So I told Vanessa on the next trip down I'd bring my camera:)

That was a hard week to leave - soooo many emotions!!! Judy and Greg were both there still. We all had so many conversations about if we thought mom was going to make it or not, if her talking was better or worse, if her swallowing was okay, if she'd had enough food to even live. Mom's weight was declining each day, her swallowing was not good and she'd been put back on the catheter. I left on Wednesday knowing I would be back the following week for Vanessa, but really not knowing if mom would still be there or not.

Once again I had to leave - so very hard!!! But my "life" was in St. John and there were obligations that I needed to do - it was the time of year for all my spring sport photos, I had seniors wanting to order their photos, seniors & 8th graders ready to have photos taken - it was a very busy time in my life! Again, so many phone calls and texts back and forth!!! Greg had to leave the day after me but Judy would be staying for two weeks. Again, I knew that I would be going back no matter what would happen. Mom was losing weight each and everyday - but she was never left alone! The staff at the Odd Fellows was fantastic! Their caring abilities and professionalism was superb, and they put up with us!!! We were always there!

I went again the next Monday - Monday through Wednesday was what I felt I could do. It worked for my siblings to give them a break and it worked somewhat for my schedule here in St. John. Those were very loooong drives back and forth!!! There were times I cried so much that I don't remember the drive at all! Probably not the safest thing for me to do, but we all did what we could! That week I took Vanessa's senior photos - what a cutie and how great that was. I'd forgotten the first day that mom wanted a photo of Vanessa with a hat/scarf that she'd made, so Vanessa came back quickly on Tuesday for a "mini photo" shoot - . That night was again my night - here's the words that God gave me that night!

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday - home again and was able to work on Vanessa's photos - I knew mom would want to see them - I'd shown her on the computer Monday night while I was there, but she wanted something to hold onto - not just the computer screen. She was getting weaker and weaker and was trying to sleep, but sleep wouldn't come! She was in pain and lots of pain! Her doctor at the Odd Fellows had gone on vacation and other than us, the nurses and the aides, no one did anything medically for her. Her rehab people kept working with her - but that tired her out - it was misery for her and for all of us to watch. It's just not what you want for your mom! It's not what you want for anyone! So many prayers - so many times I would talk to God and ask why!!!! Once again, Monday came! I had printed photos of Vanessa for mom, plus I'd written a special prayer for Vanessa. Here's both:)

That was a very hard night - mom was declining in weight so rapidly - her spirits were down - her body was fragile, her life was quickly descending and she wanted to "Go Home". For me, I began talking to her about that - she wanted Jesus to take her and she didn't know why she was still here! Oh the tears we shed together. I would hold her hand, stroke her hair, try to comfort - told her over and over again just how much I loved her - how everyone loved her and how great a mom she was! That first night on Monday - these words - because I wanted it for mom - I couldn't ask to keep her here - she wanted it!

Oh, that was a hard one to read - was I doing the right thing in asking God to take her? Would my siblings understand if that's what I was writing, if that's what I was feeling? Again that week I stayed until Wednesday not knowing if she'd be there the following week. Part of me wanting her to, part of me wanting her not to - would I be able to handle it if she was just weaker and less communicative. Her speech and physical body was rapidly declining. How much longer could she or would she hold on? Tears flowed so easily for all of us - it was getting to a point that we were all exhausted and yet, we were there - again each of us as we could be! That night during those days, these are the words -

I would go home again - leaving the day before Judy had to leave. There would be fewer of us now - Jami was coming home on vacation and that would relieve some of the nights - she was use to staying up all night. Those days while I was gone, she was able to fill in as Judy wasn't there. Jenice physcially could not do night shifts with her oxygen, but her days were filled being at the home. Ron was on vacation at this point and so was Dwight & Jason. It was evident that mom was rapidly losing - had lost approximately 25 pounds, energy was nil, therapy was harder all the time, her "joy" was totally gone, she was ready!

Before I came back on the following Monday - and I really wasn't sure she'd last that long - I called Kelley Leifer to talk about what was happening. She told me about a "patch" that could relieve pain and it would consistently help mom and then she could still be given more pain meds if needed, but that the patch would probably help. So this was on Sunday - I wasn't able to go until the afternoon the following day and had planned on just being there for the one night, staying until late on Tuesday and returning home. When I got to Walla Walla and to mom's room, right away I could visually see the difference only a few days had made. Mom was tired! Mom was in pain! Mom wasn't Mom! I remember going over to her and telling her about the conversation that I'd had with Kelley - I didn't want my mother to be hurting!!! This was probably around 2:30 or so and she just listened - not saying anything to me. About 4:00 p.m. that day we asked if she wanted another "tylenol" - that was what she'd be given for pain. Jenice and Glen were right there and she spoke clearly "I want what Janet talked about." - it was clear to all of us, she knew what she wanted! and that was the pain to go away!!!

The doctors orders that had been written before he was gone called for "morphine" but the fentynol patch was not part of it. Mom took her first dose of morphine - a small dose to help relieve her pain. That night would be very difficult!! I didn't realize just how monumental little things would be until later! She was not eating, she was not drinking, her swallowing had become very difficult and she was choking and coughing a lot! Ice chips were the only thing she enjoyed at this point, but they were also getting harder and harder to go down. My mom was not going to make it and I knew it! We all knew it! We may not have "said" it, but we all knew! Her dinner came around 5:30 and I was able to get her to eat a few bites of potato soup & fruit cocktail - of course, everything was pureed, so you really couldn't tell what it was! It had been my mom's menu for the past three weeks but she'd eaten very little! Pureed food, but maybe only a few bites each meal - not enough to even exist!!

She was restless! She was in pain! She was starving! She was miserable! She was my mom! Night began and about 9:00 or so when asked if she wanted more "morphine" she told me "double the dose" - oh, how hard that was to hear - I knew it meant that my mother had given up totally! She wanted to be comfortable for the remainder of what life she had left. Even after the double dose of morphine, she was still restless - moaning & groaning, but not able to speak. There was nothing at this point I could even do to relieve her mind, her thoughts, her body - she was in pain - total pain!!!

I tried my best to get her to sleep - but sleep wouldn't come quite yet. I was back and forth from the couch to her bedside - held her hand, but then felt like she needed to be alone a little too? A strange and different night - a night I will never forget! So I sat on the couch - crying on the couch, praying on the couch! About 10:00 pm as clear as if I was talking to someone myself, my mother held her right arm in the air, reached her hand toward heaven and audible spoke "Hold on Eleanor, Eleanor hold on!". I rushed the few feet to her bedside, held her and said, "Is Jesus talking to you? Mom you take His hand - don't hold on to us - you go be with Him - go be with Daddy." Oh, the tears flowed from my eyes!!! It was too late to call anyone at this point and I wasn't sure what I'd say if I did call? Mom closed her eyes and slept - mom slept the night - mom was not in pain! God gave these words -

Morning came - I stayed until the doctor came to my mom's room. When he entered and went to mom's bedside, she opened her eyes, but said nothing. He'd been gone 9 days and in that time she'd gone from a "fighter" to knowing life would end. He looked at her legs beneath the sheet, turned and commented "Wow!" - I followed him out of the room and instantly began crying! I knew for sure that my mother would not live! I'd given her the last few bites of food, I'd heard her last words, I'd been there for the final hours of my mom being "mom" - I knew at this point that when she'd spoken "hold on Eleanor" that her spirital life had gone and she was just waiting for her physical body to leave. However, we had no idea just how long that would take! The doctor stayed and talked to me - I was the one who would hear first, "Let's make her comfortable - no more meds, no more food, no more vitals - let's give her morphine to make her comfortable. Be with her as much as you can - you're a family that has been here with her - continue until her time comes. She's had a beautiful life and she's ready." Little did I realize then that when all "therapy" was taken away that the room she was in would be gone too. That private room gave us, mom's kids, the time that we'd needed to be with her - to be a part of her existing life. We couldn't lose that room!!!! I'll not forget how the speech therapist went running to another building to find the doctor to ask if she could continue on - to give oral hygiene to mom so the room would be ours. Mom wasn't at "her home" - but this was the next best thing - we had our privacy and mom had her privacy. She could die peacefully with us there! She knew we would be there!!!

I had planned on leaving that afternoon, but there was no way I could. I went back to sleep for just a few hours and returned to mom. I decided that I could split the night shift with Jaci - I would stay until midnight and go back to Jenice's home to sleep. It was a looooong day and a loooong evening! Mom slept. Mom didn't wake up! Morphine would be given when she needed it, but basically, we sat on the couch or next to her holding her hands and stroking her hair. It was so hard - never have I before felt so helpless - there's was nothing more we could do for her but just to "be" - just to be there!

Midnight came - Jaci & Jami both came, but Jaci sent Jami home in the middle of the night. Jaci did not want Jami there if mom died that evening. I went back to Jenice's - tried to sleep as sleepless nights were catching up - but couldn't much. I returned around 10:00 and told both Jenice and Jaci that I just couldn't stay another night - that I would need to leave between 2-3:00. Part of me didn't want to be there when she passed, if I was there, how would I drive home, if I wasn't, how would I drive home? Such agony is watching - such agony in not knowing - such agony my mom was in! My heart was broken totally!!! Nothing really seemed to matter - life was stopping before my eyes!

That morning I decided since my cell phone worked, that I would call Greg & Judy. I called Greg first and said, "I'm going to put the phone up to mom's ear and give you about 15 seconds - you talk - she'll listen, but her eyes are closed. Then I'll come back on." I did that with Greg - mom's left eye twitched. I called Judy saying the same thing - a little tear that had started with Greg's call, got to the center of her eye and dropped out. I then called Larissa saying the same thing - I gave about 15 seconds and she needed more time, so I put the phone back to mom's ear. Litney was able to call me back and I did the same thing. Each time mom listened to loved ones saying goodby. Then I thought, I'm going to call mom's house where dad's voice is still on the answering maching. I told mom what I was going to do - when I put the phone up to mom's ear, I told her "Tell Daddy that you're coming to be with him - that you're ready and you'll be there!" Again, one more tear dropped from mom's eyes. I took one last photo that day - I took a photo of my hands on hers. It was like life was going to change - no longer would my mom be holding me, I was holding her!

Mom got morphine around 1:00 p.m. Around 1:30 Jaci decided to go get food for both she and Jenice - to leave and be back before I left. Just before 2:00 I went down the hall to get ice for my water bottle - knowing I'd be leaving shortly. When I returned, Jenice was sitting by the bed - mom's eyes were open and she was gasping for breath. She'd been given oxygen the day before - it had helped her in breathing. Now was different - we knew that she was taking her final breaths! Her eyes were open and she was looking at us!!! I asked Jenice if I should call Jaci - she said she'd be back - I said I was going to call Glen - I went to the hall calling and Jaci passed me. I remember telling Glen, you better hurry! I went back in - there was Jaci, Jenice and I holding her, crying, telling her how much we loved her, how great a mom she'd been! Oh the tears that flowed!!!! We were bawling!!! She was looing at each of us - not only did we know, she knew! And she was ready!!! I believe that with each gasping struggling breath, my mom was saying "I love you! I love you! I love you!!!

Mom was gone - my phone read 2:06 p.m. Glen came in - just moments after. I went to tell the nurse - we all knew - there was no denying it - mom had passed on! It seemed like a nightmare from the beginning, but it was beautiful too - because we knew now that she was with Jesus - that she'd held on to Him and there would be no more suffering, no more pain! As hard as it was for us, she was with Jesus - what more could we want?! Jenice said there by mom's bed, "so this is what they mean when they say "surrounded by her family." Life had stopped for my mom - however, she was surrounded by those she loved and those who loved her! That day she'd talked to all her kids and her husband! She was ready to go!!

My mom - now joining my dad - both of them! Was it possible that life had happened so fast! 60 years of life seemed like just moments. The days and weeks to follow have been very hard - at times I still think - "Oh, I'll call mom!" but that can't happen! Words, thoughts, words, thoughts - no more mom! But she told me one time, "Keep writing" - so I am!

Mom thank you for being one of my biggest fans of anything and everything I did and do - even when you weren't always thrilled with choices I made, I knew you loved me. Thank you for 23 days to be able to tell you everything on my heart - most of all, that I loved you and still love you!!!

Mom, I LOVE YOU !!!!