Going Home

Last weekend came and there I was - I'd driven to Walla Walla for the very first time since mom passed away.  In fact, I'd driven to Walla Walla for the very first time in over 40 years not to have a parent greet me at the door with a gentle hug and a slight kiss.  How my life has drastically changed within just a four week period of time!  It doesn't seem at all possible that four weeks ago mom was here and now she is forever gone and all that remains are the memories I so desperately cling to.  I can still remember her voice right now, but how long will that stay with me?  No longer can I call the home number and hear dad's voice - will his also leave my mind about the same time? 

Jenice, Jaci and I got alot of work accomplished during the weekend.  It took 5 hours to just go through mom's closet and box everything up.  At one point I'd talked about using "garbage bags" to hold mom's clothing that we were gifting to the Odd Fellow Home.  There's a lot of women there who could use her clothing items.  Mom loved Alfred Dunnar clothing and the majority of her blouses, sweatshirts and tops were still in very good condition!  However, just the thought of putting them into "garbage bags" wouldn't work for me nor my sisters - we carefully counted everything in the closet and then folded and placed items into boxes - that was better.  So many times we would mention "Oh, I remember when she wore this" or "she just had this on the day before her stroke" - why is it that just blouses could affect our emotions like that?  There were lots of tears - raw emotions that would take over at times and we'd just sit and bawl - we had each other though!!!  Jenice was the one who would break the silence by saying, "Where are we going for dinner?"  Jenice couldn't physically do as much as Jaci and me, but she was there with us the entire time!!  We needed her support too! 

Mom's home is now empty except for the boxes left for each of us to go through - boxes of life packed into two small bedrooms.  Boxes of photo albums, boxes of cards, boxes of trinkets, boxes filled with our lives and our children too, boxes of both mom and dad - that won't happen until June 13th - it will be hard for sure!  This past weekend we knew we just needed to "clean things out" - in June there will be decisions on "what to keep and what to throw" -  None of us need anything, but yet how do you toss life itself and those things that mom had kept? 

We made a trip to the cemetery too - oh, how hard to go back to where we'd placed dad 4 1/2 years ago and now beside him was his wife of 64 1/2 years.  Just viewing the name plates with my mom and dad doesn't seem real !!  How quickly life has passed - how painful to stand there!  And yet, it is a reality!!  We will be there again on June 12th for a small family gathering - it's difficult to think  it may be one of the few times we all gather.  Mom was the "hub" of our family since dad's death - there is no "base" now - will we meet again?  I pray so!!!

The weekend passed quickly - we were exhausted physically, but drained emotionally!  My drive home was almost worse than the day mom died - I cried uncontrollably at times - realizing that life itself was changing and I wasn't ready for it.  As I'd been in Walla Walla there was so much work to do, we just did it!  Now, I was alone - alone with my thoughts, my feelings, my tears!  Mom has "gone home" and the reality of "all we have left is what we give" resonants within my mind.  Mom, I love you always!  Blessings to you on this day and blessings to all!