Is it Time? - August 18th

Ok:)  So I just got off the phone with my oldest sister - after quite the conversation about a variety of things, she comments, "By the way, why haven't you posted anything on your blogspot?"  Hmmmmm, my response is "guess I've been busy?!"  However, that is no excuse ever for anything that means something to you!  And keeping up on my blogspot does bring comfort for those "two" that read it!!!!  So, after googling on "how in the world to get in to my site and create a new one" - here it is:)

Yes, Father's Day came and went and now this week is the 6th year of dad's passing.  I've written something that I will post at the end of this - was in tears yesterday afternoon and the words just kept haunting my mind until I wrote them down.  I'll be posting on the 21st of August on facebook and tag my siblings - we all will feel the very same way - Glen isn't a facebooker so can't tag him.  Not sure but maybe I have "three" followers on this site?  Anyway, wrote it for all of us as we all know it by heart - heard it all the time!!!  Always got a little chuckle out of it, and I guess now, I can still smile and laugh inside.  Not the same on the outside, 'cuz I miss him and mom a lot - but I can hear him tell me, "Janet, that's a good one!"  Often times he would actually print out some of my poems and read to his Sam's Group at church.  I never did tell him just how special that made me feel - guess I should have, huh?  Dad was a writer too - so between him and Aunt Mildred who I didn't really get to know, maybe it comes naturally to me.  I do know this, I feel like at times there is nothing more that I can do but write the words down.  Sometimes I wonder, "Who in the world will go through these thousands of writings I have?"  Hmmmm, maybe one of my kids someday - who knows?

Life is busy and I'm loving it!!!  Larissa moved to Philadelphia - actually to St. David's and is the Coordinator of Student Activities/RD and is loving it!  Our road trip from Texas to Pennsylvania was a lifetime of memories to treasure!  We laughed, we ate, we slept, we took photos, we cried - perfect in every way!  Litney got her first teaching job in Renton and is in the process now of getting her classroom organized and ready for 31 5th grade students - that will be a challenge for a first year teacher but I know she'll do great!  I miss she and Danny living in Spokane and popping in on us - hmmmm, don't think they'll ever live on this side of the state again:( !!!  Logan is in the middle of harvest driving combine - he's doing great but exhausted after two weeks - anyone should be!  And he's still dating his girlfriend - at least she helps motivate him so I like that!  This is Jim's slower time at the office with the farmers but my photography is in full swing!  I've had shoots about 5 or 6 times a week - without breaks for like 10 days - BUT, I'm doing what I love!!!  Again, both dad and mom would have been thrilled for me.  Funny how even when you're with a "spouse" and as old as I am that you still love thinking that your parents would be proud?! 

OK - so I'm going to try my best not to let this much time pass in my writing - here's my words for Dad - remember dad, I love you so much and miss you!!! 

Blessings to my Dad!!!  Blessings to all:)!

Father's Day is Coming!!!

Here it is, the Wednesday before Father's Day on Sunday - why is it that these special days come so often any more?  I don't remember it like this when I was still living at home and being a kid - but now that I am older and a parent myself AND especially since my kids are getting older too, they just seem to get here faster and faster!  Doesn't seem at all possibly that my own dad has been gone almost six years now - oh how life is, huh?!  Hmmmmm, wish we could go back sometimes, but then again, I know that's not possible!

It's been a busy time this winter & spring - our home is now complete with new construction, Logan has graduated from high school (that's still a miracle!), Litney graduates from EWU this weekend and Larissa is moving from Howard Payne University to Eastern University in Philladelphia!  So many changes for sure and yet part of me wishes this was 20 years ago so I could share it all with both dad and mom:(  hard to know they'll not see where life takes me nor my kids!

Litney and Danny will be moving to the Seattle area in July - wow, am I ever going to miss having them close!  Now as it is, we see them about twice a month or so, but once they're living in Seattle it'll be like Larissa - probably just a few times a year.  Litney is so anxious to be teaching - having her own classroom and beginning her life!!!  Her letters of recommendation from her principal and the teacher she is under are exceptional - saying she has the ideas and questions for students that even seasoned teachers don't have.  I'm sure God will place her in just the school He wants her teaching in - I just know I'll be missing them!!!  However it is comforting knowing she has Danny and they are extremely happy together - what more could a mom want for her daughter!!!

Logan also has his first real girlfriend right now:)  She's younger but has many of the same interests as Logan and it's good to see him happy too.  Am not sure where this relationship will go, but for now Logan is much more content being "home" and not moving away.  I wasn't real sure he could make it on his own anyhow, so for now, this is good:)

I'm making the road trip with Larissa from Brownwood to Philly - we're actually going a little jog in the journey so she can spend an evening with a "friend" of hers - 6 years in the making and they've finally communicated to each other that there is an attraction?  So, we'll see what that brings!!!  Larissa is so content knowing that God has the perfect husband for her somewhere - just doesn't know where yet - but He will let her know:)  Am excited for her journey in life and see where she'll be.  For now, it's at least closer to an airport of which I'm thankful -

So I guess I'd love to share all this news with dad and mom - they'd enjoy hearing it and knowing that they didn't have to go through it with us!!!!  Amazing that families can grow so fast and time goes so quickly at different stages of life.  For now, I like the stage I'm in - I'd like it to slow down just a bit and allow me time to enjoy these special moments.  However, I know that won't be - mom use to say, "the older I get the faster the time goes" and I know that to be true too!!!  So for you dad, I'll be thinking of you on Sunday as I do most days - so wish I could give you that "dollar" once again!!!  Blessings dad!  Blessings mom!  Blessings All!!!



Was reading on Facebook this morning a letter from a mother to her daughter and it showed a photo of the two together - head to head - leaning together.  It shared all the struggles of growing old and told the daughter to be understanding as the mom's mind and body left her.  Within moments of my reading this tearful letter, I received an email from Larissa - it had the same letter attached to it!  I cried again!!!  Not only did my mind relive those last days of moms, it jumped forward to not that many years ahead and realized my daughters, my son will go through the very same thing!  It may have different circumstances, but the end results are the same ~  I'll be gone.  Just makes me realize more and more that life is fragile and we need to share our love with our family, our friends, our community - share it with strangers!  God's gift to us is this love and He gave it for us to give again and again!!!  Anyway, after reading the letter twice - and crying each time, these are words given to me.  Still not a day goes by that mom isn't a part of my day!  I love you mom!  I love my kids too!!!!

Blessings to all!!!

One year ago today I was in Walla Walla - had been there each week for three days, but this week would be different.  It would be the last time I'd be able to touch my mom's hands and face and for her to feel my love.  Even then I knew "life" would continue on - it always does, but I had no idea how I would make it through difficult times ahead.  Yes, I had my husband, my kids, my siblings, my friends, my church - BUT I didn't have my mom!!!  She was always the one I'd call to "share" joys with, to share heartaches with, to share my life with - no longer would she be able to listen and respond to me.  No longer would I be able to say how much I loved her!!!  Mom, it's been hard!!!!  There's times I just sit and cry, times I'm not even thinking of you and begin to cry, times I remember something and tears swell in my eyes. 

Even in the later years of your life I remember you talking about your mom and how sometimes you would have tears - that's me now when I start talking about you!  My children are experiencing the very same thing with me!  I so remember years ago thinking "Oh mom, my heart aches when I see you cry" and now I'm sure my girls are thinking that same thing!  I think the thing I've realized the most is that "life is so fragile" and that we REALLY need to live each day LOVING YOU, loving our family, loving others!!!!  We need to live for YOU - not somehow, but triumphantly!!!! 

So mom, for today, I'm giving you those words!!!  You shared them with me through your actions, through your words, through your persistence, through your strength, through you life!!!  I love you mom!!!!!

One Year Over - but LOVES forever!!!

One Year Today - April 4, 2012

Wow!  Doesn't seem possible that it's been a year - that life was normal a year ago yesterday and then on this day, life changed!  Why is it that "time" can stand still or quickly move within my mind, within my thoughts?  I know I write alot about my feelings in this past year - you see, I started this blog on March 1st of 2011 and thought I'd just keep it "personal" for me and it would give me an avenue to write.  I had not intended to let anyone know about it - it was going to be mine.  In fact, I never even shared it with mom and now she's the one I write about the most?  That doesn't make sense does it?!  Hmmm, I wonder if she does know?

Mom, this is the first year now of "that day" - the day that reality came tumbling down just as you must have.  I cannot go there - to know the struggling you encountered on that morning!  In some small ways I was very fortunate to live here, to not be too close yet close enough to come.  I'm not sure I could have bared that morning knowing something was wrong.  Jenice and Jaci were very strong to get through it and Glen too - I was always the one who was so emotional and a wreck during times like this!  Do you remember how awful I was the day you fell on the ice and broke your wrist?  Remember, I was the one who fell apart and could have used the ambulance?  No, there are some things where I'm just not good!  BUT, I have to tell you, I am very fortunate I was able to be there during those next 23 days - to be able to be by your bedside, hold your hands, pray with you and for you, brush your hair, give you sips of thickened water and especially those few days you got the ice chips!  I know neither of us wanted those kind of days to last, but right now I'd give anything to be able to tell you again how much I love you!!  I'm sure all six of us feel that same way!  You were here long enough to allow us the time we needed to know "this world was not your final place" and God was calling you home!  So when I really think about this time a year ago, I am thankful!!  I am thankful you gave us the gift of time even though you were hurting!  I am thankful you allowed us some communication even during this time!  I am thankful we KNEW without a doubt that you loved each one of us and that you were ready to be with Jesus!!  I am thankful for the very best mom I could have had!!!  I am thankful for you!!!

Mom, I love you!!!  Blessings to both you and dad on this day!

March 27th - Remembering the Days

Since I wrote my last blog, many things have happened and life has been good, but I can't help but thinking back to just last year!  You see, in the spring of the year is when "life" took a toll on me in many different ways.  Hard to imagine that it's only been one year as sometimes it seems like an eternity!

March 16th of last year is the day that my mother-in-law left this world to be with the One she longed for - to be with her Jesus and to join her husband.  During those few days before it was so hard to know it was coming - Jim was there with her and she went peacefully.  March 26th of last year the Leifer family gathered in her memory - it was a very difficult day, but one we got through!  Hmm, I just remembered - the night before her service I was asked to play the piano at the Catholic church - had forgotten all about that until now!  The piano at the church sat right in front and every eye could see me and I could see every eye - believe me, that was hard!!!!  Must have been Jesus sitting with me to get through it - I do remember seeing the pew where my family sat - Larissa, Litney, Logan and Jim were there together and tears fell from each of them!  I tried my best not to have tears because I needed to read the music on the page - but there were times I couldn't hold them back!  She was a wonderful person and the perfect mother-in-law - I loved her!  I felt so bad for my kids - especially Litney as the year they spent together was a wonderful year!  Litney had an appreciation and love for grandma that no other grandchild could have - Litney and grandma Helen were roommates, were friends, were connected in a special way - it was grandma Helen's best year - and she always called Litney "my little girl"!

On the 27th of March it had been my plan to drive Larissa to Walla Walla - it didn't happen:(  we would have not to get up early and drive down and we were exhausted.  At one point mom was not only disappointed as I knew she might be, but she was upset because that night we ended up going to a game in Spokane.  Fortunately though, I was able to talk with mom about it, and she was fine - she understood like a mom would and I didn't feel bad anymore.  However, it was that next Monday that mom had her stroke - my year is just about there!  Today is the 27th of March and her stroke was April 4th - it's 8 days from now because of the leap year, but it was really just one week last year. 

My mind races back and forth each time I think of it being "one year ago" - how can one year bring so many thoughts, so many memories, so many tears?  It's not like I've not continued on - I have and I know mom would want me to!  But still!! 

One thing Jim and I decided after losing both our moms last year was  we are now the "next generation" and it was time to make sure we could live in our home as long as possible.  I always felt felt bad for both Helen and mom that their "home" wasn't more handicapped accessible - it would have been nice - Helen had to leave her house the last two months and mom never made it back.  That still saddens me today!!  So, we are making our main floor accessible for our older years!  It's beginning to look fantastic too!  But, I want to share it with mom - so hard knowing I can't:(  She would love it as much as I do!!!  She'd be happy for me and I know that!

Remembering - is it good?  I think so, but that doesn't mean that it isn't hard!!!  Every time I turn around and see something, smell something, or hear something that makes me remember mom, I have a tear in my eye.  They still come easy and now during this spring of the year, even easier!  I've written something that I'll post later - just not the time right now.  This next month will be difficult for all of us - remembering and thinking, "what if" - but we can't go there!  It is what it is and I am grateful for the relationship I had with mom and dad.  I am grateful that I did my very best to be there when I could and they were proud of me!  I am grateful that I can "remember the days" and am blessed by their love!!!  Blessings to them & blessings to all!

70 Years Ago

Just decided to find these two photos and put them together once again - a hard day for me too:)

Love you both!!!!