5 Years - Hands of a Lifetime

So I went back in my old external hard drives and found the poem I'd written 5 years ago - doesn't seem that long ago, but it is.  I have it printed on my fireplace mantle, but each time I read it I just cry - brings back so many memories, tears and all!  Anyway, thought I would post it here too -

I have a photo shoot this morning with a family - it'll be a hard shoot as the father who is like 65 is dying and only has months to live.  His kids are here with grandkids and they want a "family photo" - will this be the last family photo they have?  Probably and I'm not sure this is the day I can "hold it together" either!  I've been in tears most of the morning already!

So many memories - oh, I loved him!  Blessings Dad!!!

The Last Box

So this was a morning it was hard to sleep in.  I remember it like it was yesterday, but five years ago on this very morning I got the call about dad.  Although I'd left Walla Walla just hours before he passed away, it was very hard to know his time had come.  I remember questioning if I would drive back to Walla Walla or not - it wasn't that I didn't want to be there, but I'd been on the road a lot in the last two weeks coming and going and my body was exhausted!  You see, we also took turns staying up all night with him while he was in his last days.  It was emotionally draining but also physically draining - we wouldn't have done it any differently though.  We wanted to be with him!

So Jenice called me like at 4:30 that morning - as soon as the phone rang, we knew!  Jim got it first and then I took the receiver - the call I dreaded!  I couldn't just jump in the car and head back - although I couldn't sleep anymore either.  I waited a few hours and then drove myself back to Walla Walla - to the home where mom and dad lived.  I'll never forget walking in - not knowing what to do, where to go, what to say!  It was sooooo hard!  I cried!  I cried and cried more!  Then I guess everyone else had kinda gotten over the crying and then to see me, they all started in again.  I gave mom a hug - it was going to be hard on her - we all knew!  I do remember going into dad's bathroom and before I came out, I had one of the gold dollars of his in my hand - I said, "I'm going to take this!"  I wanted it because dad's hands had been on it - silly isn't it, but that was the way I was feeling.  If dad had touched it, then if I had it, it would mean something more to me.  Oh, the emotions that ran that day!!!!

Five years have passed - an eternity in some ways, a quick second in others!  Now it's been almost 4 months since mom passed away - the day she joined dad and was reunited with him - joyous for her, heartbreak for us!  When I was down to Walla Walla on March 18th of this year with Litney mom gave me Jim's birthday gift:)  She was always so "ahead of time" in everything she did!  She would laugh about it at times and say things like, "well, I might not be here and want to make sure he gets it" - never would I have been imagined on that Friday it would be the last box I'd get from her.  You see, Jim's birthday is the day dad passed away.  I remember placing that box on the top of my tall dresser in the bedroom - it was the same place I put each birthday gift mom gave me early -

Today I will give that gift - the very same gift mom has given Jim for 27 years - a shirt within that box and then I'm wondering - "should I just put that last box back on my dresser?"  It would be empty, but also filled with so much love & memories.  Can I just throw it away?  No, I don't think I can - so for now it will sit on my dresser, collect some dust along the way and again be another reminder of how much mom loved her kids!  Sad to know though that it is the Last Box!

Blessings to Jim on this day, to Dad for 5 years and to Mom!!

Time Slips Away

So here it is - August 8th, 2011 and two thirds of the summer has passed!  It just doesn't seem possible at all:) but then again, life just seems to happen, doesn't it?  It's been a fairly good summer - still lots of emotions and times of tears, but some really good things too! 

Logan is working for Erik Logen each day at 7:00 AM - AM - did you read that correctly?  AM!!!!  Wow, what a feat that is to just get him out of bed:)  - am glad I have an "early rising husband" as I'd never be able to do that regularly.  My hours each day keep me up at night and then I actually love to sleep in a little:)  Jim is good - he gets Logan out of bed and out of the house - to a JOB!!!!

Litney and Danny have come down several times and shared some of their time with us:)  It's always a nice thing to have them for sure!!!  And last month Logan got to stay with them in Spokane while Jim and I were shooting a wedding on the coast - Logan adores Danny as much as he does Litney.  I like the relationship between them - very healthy for Logan too - just laid back and fun times when he's with them:)  Logan actually starting this "pipe smoking" this summer - guess it's not as bad as it could be, and he and Danny enjoy it together.  Am sooooo happy for Litney - she definitely found the "man of her dreams" and the two of them together are adorable.  What more could a mother ask for, right?  They are good for each other for sure!!!!

Jim and I have shot three weddings and one more to go next week - I've been blessed with a very patient husband when it comes to partnering with me to do my photography:) - he just does exactly what I say to do and doesn't complain.  He actually loves to chit chat with all the people so after his portion of the wedding is over - he just talks:)  Of course, there's always a little food involved too - he likes that part!!!  Then it takes two days for us to "recup" after being on our feet so much - am wondering just how many more years I'll be able to still do what I do - BUT I LOVE IT!!!!  Never thought I'd be a "photographer", but have found my niche again - God's blessed me with so many different avenues in my life at different times in my life - this is one of my favorites - that is, besides being a "mom"!!!

Larissa comes home next month and we're heading to Montana for Kayla's wedding:)  Am so super excited to see Larissa - it's been since March - she opted for Hawaii instead of Washington for her summer vacation - imagine that, huh?  Really, it's okay - am very proud of her and if she chooses to vacation with friends, I think it's wonderful!!!!  This is the time in her life when she can, so my thought is, "Go for it!!!!"  Am glad to have her when she can come and if it's not often enough, we'll just head down her way!!!  We are going and taking Logan in October and then she's actually staying for two full weeks at Christmas - am very excited for that too!!!  Larissa is loving her life - her work, her friends, her church, her life!!!  I'm very blessed too to have wonderful kids!!!!

So, I'm posting another photo - when we brought everything home from my mom's and dad's this was one item that I got - I knew it would look good on my back porch, and I don't think really that anyone else wanted it - so just yesterday Jim hung it for me:)  Yes, it's been sitting across the chair for almost two months - it always takes him a little "time" to "get to it" - but it happened.  I have so many wonderful memories of both mom and dad - it seems like everywhere around my home now there's a portion of them - dad made this - it's a very special coat rack to me!!!  Time may slip away, but memories last forever!!!  Hmmm, may have to write about that next time!!!

Blessings to all!!!

My Heart's Window

So here's words that I just felt like I had to put down - sometimes I wonder if anyone else goes through this too?  Hmmmm, I think this may be "one of those days" - tomorrow will be better.  Blessings!

Completed:)

So here it is - my new Garden Window in memory of both Helen and my Mom - how special it is - I am thrilled to know that when I look out this window, my thoughts will be with them!  Do you think they'll know I'm remembering them?  Oh I pray so!!! 

Tomorrow will be exactly three months since mom passed away - it doesn't seem that long at times, and other times, it feels like years!!!!  How I wish I could really sit with her at my kitchen table and she'd drink her cup of coffee with me - no sugar, but enough creamer to make it the right color:)  At McDonald's it was a "senior coffee with three creamers", but at my house we usually had to scrape the jar of dry creamer as I didn't use it much, or just some skim milk:)!!  The last time mom came to my home Litney brought Helen from Cheney - now each time I have coffee with mom, Helen will be here too - at least through my window. 

Funny how our minds can work, huh?  I mean I definitely know there's no way that either one of them are here, but at moments, I "feel" like it's possible?  Sometimes when I'm asleep I have a quick dream about mom and wake up only to realize she's gone - all in my memory for now.  Still so difficult to go through some days!  As I was talking with Jenice the other day we commented on how mom would still shed a tear when she talked about Grandma - I so understand!  I remember not wanting to mention Grandma as I knew it would make mom cry - but now that I'm in that position, I want to remember mom!  And yes, I'll cry - but don't you think those tears are good?  Oh - I miss talking with her!!!!

One more cup this morning - I LOVE my new window!!!  Blessings to both Helen and mom!!!  Blessings to all!

It's Coming:)

Today is the day my new kitchen garden window will be installed!!  I'm very excited and so anxious to actually be able to look out through the mementos I will place within it, but in the same sense, I know I will be very emotional.  It's not quite been three months for mom - still very fresh within my mind, thoughts and tears.  Most of the time now I can go through a day - but not always.  I mean she still is there in my thoughts, but I don't cry all the time - hard to explain!  I was talking with a friend of mine yesterday who's mother is 83 living in Spokane.  She told me that my poems had really inspired her to spend more time with her mom - that she felt everything I'd written and she knew her time was coming.  Made me feel good to hear that:)

We also got an offer on mom's home in Walla Walla yesterday.  Guess there is a younger woman who wants to move into the mobile home court to help in taking care of her mom or parents - not sure which.  She offered 10 thousand less than the asking price - we counter offered and came down 3 thousand - willing to split the difference I believe, but don't want to just give it away either.  That's going to be hard if the house sells today, the window is put in today and it's also the first anniversary of Litney & Danny.  Wow, so many memories all in one day!!!  This blog is going to be a "continuation" of what goes on today - will get back to it as I can. 

On the home, she would not budge above her counter offer - she's not the right one for the home:) but God does have the perfect person who will buy mom's place and we will wait for Him to direct that person our way!!  Mom would like that!!!

OK - so I now have a Garden Window in memory of Helen and my mom:)  It's not totally complete, but getting there!!!  The woodwork needs to be painted and a glass cut for the bottom, but by this time next week I'll be putting in memories!!!  I LOVE it and oh how I miss them!!!!

So for now, this is it - but I can just imagine sitting at the kitchen table drinking my cup of coffee with each of them!!!  Blessings and loves to them!!!

Where is "Home"

The other day I was chatting with Judy and we were both having a tough day - seems like those are easier to come by these months!  Sometimes I wonder if it'll ever be better?  Anyway during the conversation she was sharing with me her feelings on "home" and that now it's different for her.  I totally understood - you see she was the only sibling that did not actually live in Walla Walla, nor does she have a lot of memories from Walla Walla.  The rest of us actually graduated from school there, lived there even for a short period of time and have many memories there.  Glen & Jenice had moved away, but returned - Jaci never left and for me and Greg, we've moved but still have those memories from younger years. 

Yesterday afternoon Jim took Logan, Litney & Danny out on the boat for awhile - I stayed home first because I don't like boating, but also to do laundry for the kids - which I don't mind at all:)  Then I decided to write something to help express Judy's thoughts and feelings.  I sent it to her, but thought I could easily post it here - these postings are for so few that read it'll be okay.  Judy called - I know she appreciated it and she said it did say exactly how she is feeling. 

Even though Walla Walla is still kinda a "home" for me, I'm glad to know mom and dad are both in their eternal "home" and that one day I will greet them again.  Thank you Jesus for all your blessings to me!