My Heart's Window

So here's words that I just felt like I had to put down - sometimes I wonder if anyone else goes through this too?  Hmmmm, I think this may be "one of those days" - tomorrow will be better.  Blessings!

Completed:)

So here it is - my new Garden Window in memory of both Helen and my Mom - how special it is - I am thrilled to know that when I look out this window, my thoughts will be with them!  Do you think they'll know I'm remembering them?  Oh I pray so!!! 

Tomorrow will be exactly three months since mom passed away - it doesn't seem that long at times, and other times, it feels like years!!!!  How I wish I could really sit with her at my kitchen table and she'd drink her cup of coffee with me - no sugar, but enough creamer to make it the right color:)  At McDonald's it was a "senior coffee with three creamers", but at my house we usually had to scrape the jar of dry creamer as I didn't use it much, or just some skim milk:)!!  The last time mom came to my home Litney brought Helen from Cheney - now each time I have coffee with mom, Helen will be here too - at least through my window. 

Funny how our minds can work, huh?  I mean I definitely know there's no way that either one of them are here, but at moments, I "feel" like it's possible?  Sometimes when I'm asleep I have a quick dream about mom and wake up only to realize she's gone - all in my memory for now.  Still so difficult to go through some days!  As I was talking with Jenice the other day we commented on how mom would still shed a tear when she talked about Grandma - I so understand!  I remember not wanting to mention Grandma as I knew it would make mom cry - but now that I'm in that position, I want to remember mom!  And yes, I'll cry - but don't you think those tears are good?  Oh - I miss talking with her!!!!

One more cup this morning - I LOVE my new window!!!  Blessings to both Helen and mom!!!  Blessings to all!

It's Coming:)

Today is the day my new kitchen garden window will be installed!!  I'm very excited and so anxious to actually be able to look out through the mementos I will place within it, but in the same sense, I know I will be very emotional.  It's not quite been three months for mom - still very fresh within my mind, thoughts and tears.  Most of the time now I can go through a day - but not always.  I mean she still is there in my thoughts, but I don't cry all the time - hard to explain!  I was talking with a friend of mine yesterday who's mother is 83 living in Spokane.  She told me that my poems had really inspired her to spend more time with her mom - that she felt everything I'd written and she knew her time was coming.  Made me feel good to hear that:)

We also got an offer on mom's home in Walla Walla yesterday.  Guess there is a younger woman who wants to move into the mobile home court to help in taking care of her mom or parents - not sure which.  She offered 10 thousand less than the asking price - we counter offered and came down 3 thousand - willing to split the difference I believe, but don't want to just give it away either.  That's going to be hard if the house sells today, the window is put in today and it's also the first anniversary of Litney & Danny.  Wow, so many memories all in one day!!!  This blog is going to be a "continuation" of what goes on today - will get back to it as I can. 

On the home, she would not budge above her counter offer - she's not the right one for the home:) but God does have the perfect person who will buy mom's place and we will wait for Him to direct that person our way!!  Mom would like that!!!

OK - so I now have a Garden Window in memory of Helen and my mom:)  It's not totally complete, but getting there!!!  The woodwork needs to be painted and a glass cut for the bottom, but by this time next week I'll be putting in memories!!!  I LOVE it and oh how I miss them!!!!

So for now, this is it - but I can just imagine sitting at the kitchen table drinking my cup of coffee with each of them!!!  Blessings and loves to them!!!

Where is "Home"

The other day I was chatting with Judy and we were both having a tough day - seems like those are easier to come by these months!  Sometimes I wonder if it'll ever be better?  Anyway during the conversation she was sharing with me her feelings on "home" and that now it's different for her.  I totally understood - you see she was the only sibling that did not actually live in Walla Walla, nor does she have a lot of memories from Walla Walla.  The rest of us actually graduated from school there, lived there even for a short period of time and have many memories there.  Glen & Jenice had moved away, but returned - Jaci never left and for me and Greg, we've moved but still have those memories from younger years. 

Yesterday afternoon Jim took Logan, Litney & Danny out on the boat for awhile - I stayed home first because I don't like boating, but also to do laundry for the kids - which I don't mind at all:)  Then I decided to write something to help express Judy's thoughts and feelings.  I sent it to her, but thought I could easily post it here - these postings are for so few that read it'll be okay.  Judy called - I know she appreciated it and she said it did say exactly how she is feeling. 

Even though Walla Walla is still kinda a "home" for me, I'm glad to know mom and dad are both in their eternal "home" and that one day I will greet them again.  Thank you Jesus for all your blessings to me!

The End of a Month

So I just looked at the calendar and can't quite believe that June is over today!  This month presented itself with a couple of very difficult times and in some sort of way, I'm glad it's over, but it saddens me too!  You see on June 12th we had the small family memorial service for my mom.  Litney came down that morning to St. John and rode with me to Walla Walla - Jim followed with the pickup with Logan.  We gathered at the cemetery and Glen had prepared a very nice family service for us to remember mom - lots of tears, lots of great memories, lots of emotions once again!!!!  There still isn't a day that can creep by without me thinking and shedding a tearful thought or two - but it was good to have all of us participate in the ways we did - sharing values & stories we had received from mom, and actually dad for that matter. 

We left the cemetery and went back to Jenice's home for a catered meal and just enjoyed the time together.  Mom gave to  us "one more time" - how fitting as she was always trying to do "one up" from the time before.  Even though the meal was scrumpteous and there was tons, it was difficult to have it without her there!  This was the first time we gathered all six kids and the family that could be there without mom!  It was the second time for me returning to Walla Walla, but for Judy & Don, Greg & Irma, it was the first time - how difficult!!!!  Of course, it was the first time for my kids too - Litney was very emotional - couldn't hold the tears back, Logan did his utmost, but I saw him several times have to turn away.  My kids lost two grandmas within 5 weeks of each other!  Hard on me - hard on them!!!! 

As some of us were looking through old photos and such the guys went over to the house - looking through the tool shed.  I had told Jim, "Don't take anything until the end!" - Guess he did well, but still had a full pickup at the end.  When Glen said something like "Well, what's left will go to Good Will" Jim popped up and said, "Load it in my pickup - I'll take it!" So that was the "end" for him:)  Logan was able to get several items that he thought he'd use and Jim did too.  Now just more "stuff" for the farm:)!!!!  The one item that I really wanted came that Sunday afternoon.  The "rock" that sat out by the mobile home was "lifted and transported" to its new home - out in one of my rock garden areas!!!  I couldn't be more thrilled.  From my kitchen window this is what I view - my heart takes a gulp each time I see it in the morning - I LOVE it, but cry too!!!!

So there it is - up close and from a distance!  But when I look at it, I feel like both my mom and dad are still here - strange, isn't it!  They'd like to know I have that rock - it was always a "talking" piece that especially dad would mention - "Be careful with that rock!"  And I LOVE the fact that it has the 176 on it - marking their place in the mobile home court!!! 

The next couple of days we cleaned out mom's place - putting everything into boxes - some going to goodwill, some with each of us!  I think everyone got items that meant something - I know I did!  But things just can't replace mom!  It was so funny - the first day we boxed up what we wanted and there were probably 60 boxes in the garage to be taken away.  The second day after cleaning the house and getting it ready for viewing, there we were - out in the garange going through boxes and making comments like, "Well, if no one wanted this, I'll take it!" or "This just can't be given away!"  So day one was spent with the necesseties to "remember" - day two was taking just "because"!!  Now there were 40 boxes in the garage:)!! It all worked!  Mom would have liked how we worked together too - no bickering, no bartering (well, maybe a little!!), no jealousy - we had done it! 

So on Wednesday I drove home - boxes in my car with mementos for the kids from grandma, things for me to shed tears over, a box of photos with memories - tears within my heart, tears swelling in my eyes, knowing it would never be again.  Mom was with my dad and my turn would be next!

                                                              Blowing Bubbles of Love

So not even two weeks later - we do it all over again!  On June 24th we had the final cemetery buriel of Grandma Helen with a potluck dinner afterwards.  Was I ready?  Did I have a choice to be ready?  Spring of 2011 would definitely be a time I would remember and I wasn't sure I really wanted to.  I loved Helen - she was the best mother-in-law I could ask for - she accepted me totally and completely and loved me being married to her son.  She was a wonderful grandmother to our kids and the kids loved her!  Logan was the only one of ours that could make it.  Both Litney and Larissa had been there in March for the service we had, but this time, neither one could be there.  I felt empty not being able to share this day with my kids!  It too was just a family memorial service.  Daniel kind of lead it and Laura spoke too.  Then many of the kids and a few of the relatives just told stories about Helen.  She was loved by so many and loved so many!!!  Her legacy will go on for sure!  Marie handed out bubbles to all the kids there and many of the adults as well.  At the end of the time of sharing, Helen was blown away with "Bubbles of Love" - it was windy enough that no one had to blow - just put out the little plastic thing from the bubbles and they went on their own.  It was so fitting for Helen and so perfect for the day.  Grandma Helen would have definitely had a good time!  Grandma Helen had a good time - we felt her presence there - at least I did.  She now rests next to Clyde where she'd wanted to be for quite sometime.

Jim and I are the next generation - no more parents here for us!  It's so hard to fully comprehend that!  I still feel like I could just call and talk, but I know I can't!  Just three months and I've lost both moms and had their services.  I miss them, but I am blessed beyond knowing that there will come a day that I will see them again.  My prayer is that I really am the next and that none of my kids go before me!  That's the way God has it planned!!  Tomorrow is a new month - July 2011.  God's blessings to my moms and to all!!:)

New Window

So it's not finished, but it's beginning this afternoon.  Steve's Glass is coming out to measure for a "Garden Window" above my kitchen sink!!!  I'm pretty excited, yet it saddens me at the same time.  You see, I want this window for both my mom and my mother-in-law.  In my mind, I want to get up each morning and look out this window as I'm getting my morning coffee and just remember how special these two "moms" are - to remember all the great qualities of each, to remember they loved me, to remember they could never be replaced.  I don't ever want to forget their generous hearts, their kindness, their love for me and for my children - I never want to forget them.  Not saying a "window" would replace anyone, but it will be a symbol for me.  Helen absolutely loved gardening and I'm thinking my mom "tolerated" it - Helen loved planting, my mom did it under necessity.  So, this window has a dual purpose ~ for Jim who still loves to plant and for me who is more like my mom.  When I have the final product, I'll take a photo, but for now, this is the beginning step - measurements with sadness still:(   Blessings to my two moms!!!!!

Going Home

Last weekend came and there I was - I'd driven to Walla Walla for the very first time since mom passed away.  In fact, I'd driven to Walla Walla for the very first time in over 40 years not to have a parent greet me at the door with a gentle hug and a slight kiss.  How my life has drastically changed within just a four week period of time!  It doesn't seem at all possible that four weeks ago mom was here and now she is forever gone and all that remains are the memories I so desperately cling to.  I can still remember her voice right now, but how long will that stay with me?  No longer can I call the home number and hear dad's voice - will his also leave my mind about the same time? 

Jenice, Jaci and I got alot of work accomplished during the weekend.  It took 5 hours to just go through mom's closet and box everything up.  At one point I'd talked about using "garbage bags" to hold mom's clothing that we were gifting to the Odd Fellow Home.  There's a lot of women there who could use her clothing items.  Mom loved Alfred Dunnar clothing and the majority of her blouses, sweatshirts and tops were still in very good condition!  However, just the thought of putting them into "garbage bags" wouldn't work for me nor my sisters - we carefully counted everything in the closet and then folded and placed items into boxes - that was better.  So many times we would mention "Oh, I remember when she wore this" or "she just had this on the day before her stroke" - why is it that just blouses could affect our emotions like that?  There were lots of tears - raw emotions that would take over at times and we'd just sit and bawl - we had each other though!!!  Jenice was the one who would break the silence by saying, "Where are we going for dinner?"  Jenice couldn't physically do as much as Jaci and me, but she was there with us the entire time!!  We needed her support too! 

Mom's home is now empty except for the boxes left for each of us to go through - boxes of life packed into two small bedrooms.  Boxes of photo albums, boxes of cards, boxes of trinkets, boxes filled with our lives and our children too, boxes of both mom and dad - that won't happen until June 13th - it will be hard for sure!  This past weekend we knew we just needed to "clean things out" - in June there will be decisions on "what to keep and what to throw" -  None of us need anything, but yet how do you toss life itself and those things that mom had kept? 

We made a trip to the cemetery too - oh, how hard to go back to where we'd placed dad 4 1/2 years ago and now beside him was his wife of 64 1/2 years.  Just viewing the name plates with my mom and dad doesn't seem real !!  How quickly life has passed - how painful to stand there!  And yet, it is a reality!!  We will be there again on June 12th for a small family gathering - it's difficult to think  it may be one of the few times we all gather.  Mom was the "hub" of our family since dad's death - there is no "base" now - will we meet again?  I pray so!!!

The weekend passed quickly - we were exhausted physically, but drained emotionally!  My drive home was almost worse than the day mom died - I cried uncontrollably at times - realizing that life itself was changing and I wasn't ready for it.  As I'd been in Walla Walla there was so much work to do, we just did it!  Now, I was alone - alone with my thoughts, my feelings, my tears!  Mom has "gone home" and the reality of "all we have left is what we give" resonants within my mind.  Mom, I love you always!  Blessings to you on this day and blessings to all!